come love, see the earth spin,

very confused and scared about my future.

i don't know anything anymore. i don't know if i made the right decision to transfer to city college. i don't know if i really want to major in music. i don't know if the feeling of missing photography is one of the need for familiarity and comfort or one of actual passion and love.

i don't want to take forever in school trying to figure out what i want to do in life. i only have a year and a half left of city college (if i stay) to figure out where i want to transfer (if i stick with music) and a few months to figure out what i want to really major in.

i'm so lost right now.

maybe i just need to give it some more time. it's only been a week since the first day as a music major.
but for some reason, i have this feeling that i won't like being one for 4 years.

i'm just so torn.

i keep finding myself getting too much into my music that i lose track of time.

for instance:

1) yesterday i was late because i was too busy dancing and being overwhelmed by music and i thought, "i have time!" when i really didn't

and

2) just now, i spent 30 minutes singing/rapping along to songs when i was supposed to be doing my core studio project. :/

craaaaaaap.

i was watching the local ABC news this morning, and they have this segment called "connect with kids". today, they were talking about the best toys for kids this holiday season.

so i was sitting there like, "oh that's cute" and "i remember when i had one like that", and then the guy introduced this hot wheels set for boys (which was pretty awesome, if i must say so myself), and then he showed the girls' equivalent - polly pocket pollywheels race to the mall.

RACE TO THE MALL.
RACE TO THE FREAKIN' MALL?!
COME ON NOW.

why couldn't it have been like, race to the bank? or race to the investor? of course, those are boring names and wouldn't attract children, but i can't stand how little girls are being taught early to spend all their money on crap at the mall. too many women grow up to be in debt because they spend all of their money on other stuff that isn't needed before using it to pay bills or save it. boys are usually taught to save money earlier and more often than girls (i'm not saying that guys aren't in debt - they spend a lot as well), and i just wish that this could be turned around somehow. girls and women need to learn how to manage their money too.

okay. rant over. :D